Killing the Inner Me
I’ve been thinking about the changes this trip has made in me and the changes it hasn’t. I had quite a few expectations and one in particular hasn’t really been met. I really want to put myself into a situation where I was forced to rely on others and therefore forced to talk with others and overcome my shyness. I did put myself in situations where I was forced to talk with complete strangers, but I still completely fight it.
I do everything but ask for help. I waste hours and hours of walking around lost before I muster enough courage to ask a stranger to help me. Now, it’s not all just about shyness. Part of it is wondering if this person I’m about to ask is going to take me for a ride. But 97% of it is simply pride. And I don’t know why.
It seems, at first, that the thing I lack is pride. But when I look at it for what it is, it’s pride. And it’s completely irrational. My overwhelming desire to protect my pride keeps me from simple human interaction. What’s even more, I seem to think I have nothing to talk about! But I talk my friends’ ears off all the time. I think the end all is that I have a bit of low self-esteem, and I’m not sure why. I’m petrifide of rejection, and I’m not sure why. I’m fully aware that rejection will actually help build up my confidence and that failures are the perfect tool for learning. So if it logically makes sense, why do I still hesitate?
I think I’ll take this opportunity to actually enact this thing called courage. I’ll stand in the face of my fears and charge forward. With confindence in God’s plan for my future I should have–as the Australians say–”no worries.”
September 13th, 2005 at 11:15 pm
jack london received over 600 rejection slips before he ever published a story. pride can be a good thing….
“those who believe they are exclusively in the right are generally those who achieve something” -aldous huxley.
September 13th, 2005 at 11:20 pm
Try getting a job that puts you right out there in the public. Like sales or something. You’ve always had jobs that keep you hidden from outside interaction. I’ve been a “salesperson” for the past 5 years at Blockbuster and at a car audio shop while going to school, all of these places have helped me learn so much about how to interact with people through trial and error. Some I piss off and others I win over. But in the end, that type of rejection is bareable and can help build your self-confidence up. But you have to admit, being in a foreign country asking for help, should be a little intimidating no matter who you are. I wouldn’t be asking around for help in many of the places you’ve been for the same reason that you mentioned, like getting screwed over somehow. Try out your new skills here in the states when you get back and then lets see how you feel.
Oh and Jeremy,
Peace out
September 15th, 2005 at 11:28 am
I think it could also have a lot to do with TRUST. You know your friends will not steer you in the wrong direction, (that’s why they are your friends) and with stranger you don’t know what their intentions are. I think that’s smart, and keeps you safer than most. You have always been the type not to “just take someone’s word for it.” -
Ian is totally correct, sometimes jobs that require you to outwardly interact (saying Hello w/in 5 feet or 5 seconds) - another old Blockbuster employee!!! It will help you (or force you) to get over that initial fear of “contact” w/ someone.
You’ve got tons of great qualities that you might be looking at negatively.(or not seeing the positive)
September 15th, 2005 at 2:56 pm
I think you are also discovering what it is like to be alone with yourself. You have had a good deal of time to be introspective. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Part of what you are experiencing is a survival instinct. I don’t know that I would be asking too many people questions in certain parts of the world. Then again, enjoy the challenge. If this is something you truly want to work on. Then work on it. Someone once said that if you do the things you fear, you won’t fear them anymore. The worst part about dreading doing something is the thinking about it. So, stop thinking about it and just do it. Also, another thought: some believe that our fears or weaknesses are just our strengths greatly magnified — ponder that one. Jeremy, you aren’t ever going to be perfect. Perfection is a tooth fairy. That word is better translated as maturing. It is a process — a journey we will be on until Christ takes us home. I can see if it is keeping you from doing the things you love, then ask God for wisdom and act accordingly.
Lovingly,
Unk